You Say Psycho Like It's A Bad Thing
by Lysi Nothuna
Summary: Hermione Granger cannot get a Wizarding job due to Muggleborn prejudice left from the War. She goes to college and gets a job at Arkham Asylum under the name of Harleen Quintzel. When she discovers that Ron has been unfaithful to her she transforms into the madwoman known as Harley Quinn and seeks revenge on everyone who has done her wrong.
1. Arkham File

You Say Psycho like It's a Bad Thing

By: Lysi Nothuna

AN: The title comes from a really cool t-shirt I saw at Universal Studios, it was advertising for the movie _Psycho_ (a very old black and white movie about a serial killer). The idea came on its own though.

ARKHAM ASYLUM FILE #HG-148

NAME: Hermione Granger A.K.A Harleen Quintzel; Harley Quinn

BIRTH DATE: September 19, 1979

HEIGHT: 5"3"

WEIGHT: 115 pounds

EYES: Blue (was brown, used color contacts maybe?) (how about a color changing charm? –HQ)

HAIR: Blonde (bleached, real hair colour brunette) has red and black streaks

OCCUPATION: Psychotic criminal and accomplice to The Joker; is madly in love with him and devotes her life to him as consequence (anything for my Puddin!-HQ)

FORMER OCCUPATION: Criminal Psychologist; unknown (ex-heroine of the Wizarding World –HQ)

BASE OF OPERATIONS: Gotham City, Gotham County, USA

KNOWN ASSOCIATES:

The Joker (real identity unknown) (But I know it! And you ain't gonna find out!- HQ)

Pamela Lillian Isley A.K.A. Poison Ivy

Dr. Jonathan Crane A.K.A. Scarecrow

Harvey Dent A.K.A Two-Face

Oswald Cobblepot A.K.A. The Penguin

Selina Kyle A.K.A. Catwoman (though Catwoman's allegiance is in question) (she's a two-faced bitch! Siding with Bats like that- HQ)

Bane (unknown true identity)

Edward Nigma A.K.A. The Riddler

Waylon Jones A.K.A. Killer Croc

Jervis Tetch A.K.A. The Mad Hatter

Dr. Victor Fries A.K.A. Mr. Freeze

Basil Karlo A.K.A. Clayface

SPECIAL SKILLS:

Elite level gymnast

Super strength, agility, and toxin immunity (reasons unknown, could do with unknown past) (Maybe because I'm a witch? HQ)

QUALIFICATIONS:

PhD in Psychology from Oxford University

Little is known of Harley Quinn's life before she went to Arkham Asylum as an intern. We can speculate that, as an attractive, athletic and ebullient person, she was highly popular (WRONG! - HQ) young woman, growing up with lots (how about a couple of close? –HQ) of friends and enjoying a stress-free (how about a stress-FULL –HQ) life. Maybe she was part of her high-school's cheerleading squad (as if! Hogwarts never had and never will a cheerleading squad; even if they did I wouldn't join! –HQ). She was almost certainly on the gymnastics team (WRONG again! I did take gymnastics during the summer though –HQ). But was there always something a little whacky and off-beat about her? (I dunno, maybe the whole WITCH thing? –HQ)

Her psychological prowess saw her granted admission to world-renowned Oxford University via a Gymnastics Scholarship (all because a. the big M wouldn't give me a job and b. I didn't have a diploma or a GED –HQ). Hungry for fame, respect and fortune (get rid of the fame part; all I need is my Puddin! –HQ), Harley, however, desired a degree from the prestigious Psychology Department (top of the class too! –HQ) But university is a time for fun, and Harley was girl that loved fun (after that whole Voldy incident, of course I needed fun! -HQ). So. Maybe not so much studying happened (Maybe….so? –HQ). This resulted in her flunking her final thesis (I was hung-over! Give me a break! –HQ). But Harley was a very smart girl (always was, always will be! –HQ), in more ways than one, and she was no angel (not anymore bitches! –HQ). Seducing her professor (too easy! Used amortentia potion. Reminded me a little of Snippy! –HQ), her marks were subsequently upgraded to the highest level.

Thus she achieved her ultimate goal (it wasn't then; but I'm glad I did it! I LOVE my Puddin! –HQ): a job as a first year intern at the notorious Arkham Asylum.

To excel in Gymnastics, one needs to be highly dedicated, determined, and disciplined. Harley may not have been devoted to her studies, but there is little question of what she could achieve if she applied herself. Nonetheless, her subsequent actions indicate her level of determination to succeed in getting what she wants (I ALWAYS get what I want –HQ). Confident in her attractiveness and sexuality (Confident? More like POSITIVE –HQ), she did not hesitate to use this to her advantage.

And she was determined to succeed in Arkham as well, where her goal was to learn the secrets of the inmates and use them to achieve fame for herself (or pick up some pointers for my future! –HQ).

But Harley was nonetheless young and naïve and completely unprepared for what she would find at Arkham. The Joker immediately assessed her and pegged her as someone he could manipulate and play with (how 'bout love and be loved? –HQ).

Why?

In order to have an accomplice on the inside?

Or just a way to while away those long, boring hours whilst incarcerated?

Or perhaps it was both (or perhaps it's because he LOVES me! –HQ) – either way, after Harley was eventually permitted to hold private sessions with The Joker, he uses his cunning and manipulation skills (or his smokin' hot looks –HQ), his fierce intellect and astute personality insight to trick Harley's sympathies into lying with him (no tricking was required, I WANTED to –HQ). It is unclear whether seduction was his goal; regardless Harley was ultimately seduced. She fell passionately and obsessively in love with him (Though I did fight it. But after Ginny told me about Ron's affair with Lavender I decided to change my mind –HQ).

Her snapping point came when an escaped Joker was returned, beaten to a bloody pulp by The Batman. Driven mad with grief and rage, she broke into a costume shop, developed herself a new "look" and went immediately back to Arkham, breaking out the object of her fixation.

Since that sdfuogl…. Hiya! This is the real Harley Quinn writing and the past writer is gone. Poof! Don't you like my magic tricks? So what that guy from earlier was saying was mostly true. I LOVE my Puddin but I used to not to. In fact I used to love a boy named Ronald Weasley. Then he cheated on me. NO ONE cheats on Harley Quinn (Mista J gave me that name ,hehe!) so I started my revenge. Here is my story. The REAL reason why I'm Harley Quinn, not Hermione Granger.

AN: This file came from . I just altered some of the info to make it fit. Like? Dislike? Let me know! Coming up: Harley's story begins. Hermione can't get a Wizarding job so she goes to Oxford and gets her PhD in psych. She gets an internship at Arkham and meets the Joker. What will happen now that she has turned her back on the Wizarding world and embraced the darker side of Gotham? And what is going to happen to a certain cheating Weasley?


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"I'm sorry Miss, there aren't any job openings," the portly witch told me. I had arrived at the Ministry Of Magic to see if there were any job openings in any field.

"That paper has a whole list of them!" I argued. I was sitting across from the woman in the dim office and the woman had a paper in front of her which had all job openings. There were plenty from what I saw.

"I'm sorry but you don't fit the requirements for any of those jobs."

"What? That's insane! I was the top of my class, AND I was a hero in the Second Wizarding War!"

"I know that Miss Granger. But those aren't the requirements," the woman said. I was growing angry and I snatched the paper to read it. I scanned the list and with a sinking feeling saw what she was talking about.

"They all say that you can't be a Muggleborn," I said quietly. The woman just nodded her head. "Why? Voldemort isn't in charge now."

"Don't say his name!" the woman snapped, her eyes sending me a fearful glare.

"He's dead!" I rolled my eyes. Some people never learn.

"I don't care! Anyway even with You-know-who gone many witches and wizards still harbor the prejudice on Muggleborns that was shoved into them by You-know-who," the woman explained.

"Well they need to get over it! A good percentage of the Wizarding population is Muggleborn, how will they get a job?" I asked, perplexed. This stuff made no sense to me. People were people, end story. Divisions and classes shouldn't exist.

"We have set up a program with the Muggle University called Oxford for recent Hogwarts graduates like you. You can apply for an athletic scholarship and attend school there. Afterwards you can get a Muggle job." She handed me a brochure with cheesy photos on it of happy looking Muggleborns going to school at Oxford and working blue-collar jobs. I am NOT a blue-collar worker. I also didn't do sports. Well I did gymnastics for a couple of summers once to keep me busy and fit but I didn't think that that counted.

"But I'm a scholar, not an athlete," I complained.

"Well that's your only option. I would start learning a sport if I were you." I took that as her dismissal so I got up, left the office and Apparated to the Burrow.

The Burrow was busy as usual. Fred and George were outside playing with explosives. As I walked by they waved and I gave them a half-hearted smile back. I walked up to them and asked, "Is Ron here yet?"

"Not yet, my soon-to-be-sister," Fred replied with a grin. I gave him a playful head-slap.

"You know that I and he aren't making any wedding plans!"

"Yet," George said with an identical grin to Fred's.

"Whatever," I sighed. "Do you know what's keeping him up?"

"I think he mentioned something about some paperwork back at the Auror training office," Fred said, scratching his head.

"Well when he shows up let him know that I want to talk to him," I replied. "Tell him I'll be at my flat and he can Apparate there."

"Will do," the twins chorused. I started to walk away when I suddenly turned back to them. "How's the rest of the family doing?"

"Mum's mum," Fred started.

"Dad's busy as ever raiding ex-Death Eaters," George took over.

"Charlie's still in Romania," Fred continued.

"Bill and Fleur are expecting another little one," George said.

"You have been in contact with Ginny and Ron so you know about what's going on their end," Fred said.

"And we're still successful, sexy, filthy rich entrepreneurs!" They chorused together.

I laughed and said bye. I then Apparated back to my London flat and started reading while I waited for Ron to show up.

~HQ~HG~HQ~HQ~

A half hour later I heard a loud CRACK! and I knew that Ron had arrived. He walked over to me and planted a soft kiss on my cheeks before sitting down next to me.

"Hi beautiful," I said, smiling.

"Hi. So Fred and George said you needed to talk to me," Ron said.

"Yeah. I went to the Ministry today to look at job openings."

"Let me guess, they wouldn't let you get a job because you're Muggleborn, am I correct?" Ron asked.

"Exactly right. How did you know?" I asked in disbelief.

"Rumors were spreading amongst us Auror trainees," he answered.

"To make it even worse my only option is to go to Oxford and get a degree for a Muggle job there," I complained.

"That's not so bad. You love school! It'll be fine," Ron assured me.

"I know I do, Ronald. It's the getting in part that's going to be hard."

"Why?"

"Apparently Hogwarts doesn't give out high school diplomas nor offer GED tests so the only way in is by an athletic scholarship," I explained.

"Oh," Ron said, realization dawning on him. Plastering a cheerful look on his face he said, "There has to be some sport that you're halfway decent at."

"Well I did take gymnastics for a couple of summers," I conceded.

"Are you any good?"

"I can do some stuff. I'm out of practice though."

"When are the tryouts for the gymnastics scholarship due?" Ron asked, he had read the brochure that was on the coffee table in front of us.

"In two months," I replied.

"Then I suggest going to a gym, get back into shape, and practice your tricks," Ron offered.

"I guess you're right. Thanks," I said.

"What for?" Ron asked, dumbfounded.

"For being a supportive boyfriend," I grinned, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him deeply. He kissed back and we started to make passionate love.

~HQ~HG~HQ~HG~

The two months flew by. I found myself in a strict routine that involved a diet and constant exercising. I found myself more fit than I had ever been. I was a size 2 now in pants when I used to be a size 7. My muscles were stronger than ever and I could now lift close to 150. I also became very good at gymnastics. My flexibility level increased dramatically (something Ron loved) and I could twist my body into almost any humanly possible shape. I had also perfected a routine that I was going to use in my try-out for the gymnastics team. If I make the team I get a full ride to Oxford.

The morning of the try-out I got up early and showered. I pulled my hair into a tight bun and began my daily yoga and stretches. Afterwards I ate a protein bar for breakfast and drank a protein shake. I dressed into my leotard that I had ordered for the try-out, made sure that my CD with the routine's song on it worked and was in my purse, and Apparated to Oxford University.

The place was impressive. It was huge and old, with delicate architecture that looked Gothic. I went into the athletic building. As I entered my phone rang. I answered it and heard Ginny's voice on the other end.

"Hi! I just wanted to wish you luck!" Ginny said.

"Thanks," I replied. "I'm guessing Ron told you?"

"He told Harry who told me."

"Cool. Speaking of Harry how is he?" I asked.

"Good. The best boyfriend I ever had. He's a bit busy though with Auror training," Ginny answered.

"Same with Ron. Well I better go and check in," I said.

"Okay. Call me when you get the results!" She exclaimed.

"Will do," I ended the conversation. I put my phone on silent and walked up to the receptionist desk. It was occupied by a woman my age, most likely an intern. Her nametag read Peggy. Odd name, but then again so was mine.

She looked up from her computer and smiled at me, "Hello. Are you here for the gymnastics team?"

"Yes," I answered. She typed some things on her computer.

"May I ask what your name is?" Peggy asked.

"Hermione Granger." She typed some more things on her computer.

"Okay, you're checked in. Go to wing B, they will call for you there when it's your turn."

"Thanks," I said and started to walk in the direction of wing B. I then turned around and asked Peggy, "Do you go to school here?"

She gave me a surprised look and said, "Why yes. I'm majoring in Psychology."

"Do they a good program here?" I inquired. After the war I had always been curious into what motivated Voldemort and his followers to do what they did so willingly. Perhaps Psychology had the answer.

Her eyes lit up like Fred and George's fireworks, "One of the best! I love it!"

"That's good to know. Have a good day," I replied and continued walking.

"You too!" She shouted after me.

I entered the wing and came across several other girls dressed like me. They were all either stretching, pacing, or texting/talking with friends. Almost all of them looked like size 0s. Good thing I prepared for that. I pulled out a small vial, popped the lid, and chugged it. Normally I wasn't one to cheat, but I absolutely _had_ to get in. It was my only option for a successful career. And besides, the coaches were Muggles. They don't know about what I am so they won't think to look for things like liquid luck. I sat down on a bench next to a petite blond. She didn't notice me at first as she was too busy texting. When she did she asked me, "Are you trying out too?"

"Yep," I nodded.

"Cool. Why aren't you stretching like everyone else?"

"Why aren't you?" I rebutted the question back at her.

"Touché. I already did. I didn't feel the need to do it again and risk pulling something," she answered.

"Same here. What's your name?"

"LeAnn Brookes," she said, extending her hand.

"Hermione Granger," I replied, taking her hand and shaking it.

"Neat name. I noticed that you drank something before you sat down, what was it?" she asked. Shit, that girl was observant. I have to be more careful.

"A special dietary drink my trainer put me on," I lied naturally, the effects of the potion working on me.

"Can I have the recipe?"

"Sorry. It's a… secret recipe."

"Aww…" she pouted, but didn't try to convince me further. _Smart_, I thought.

Changing the subject LeAnn asked, "So what's your major?"

"I don't know yet. I'm looking into Psychology. I hear Oxford has a good program."

"I don't know either. Honestly so long as I get a degree in something I don't care. Partying is a bit higher up on my list. I hear Oxford has some crazy parties. Who would've thought!" she laughed. "But seriously I don't care. I'm hoping to make it big in Gymnastics, maybe even make the Olympic team."

"Sounds…interesting," I replied, trying to sound indifferent. I was appalled that someone going to Oxford of all schools could have such a low tolerance on learning. We sat in awkward silence and watched as girls were periodically called to try-out.

LeAnn then broke the silence by asking, "You want to be friends?"

"Sure," I smiled. Five minutes later LeAnn was called in. She came another five minutes later looking excited.

"How'd it go?" I asked.

"Great! They said that the chances were high that I'd make the team!" she squealed.

"Good for you!" I congratulated.

"Yeah. I hope I get it! Before I go can I have your number so we can text each other?" LeAnn asked with a hopeful look. "I don't have a lot of friends here yet so…"

"No problem," I smiled and rattled off the number which LeAnn punched into her Iphone. LeAnn then left just as I was called in.

I walked into a large gym. It was empty save for a few balance beams, mats, trampolines and one table in the back that was occupied by the coach, assistant coach, and team manager.

"Name?" One of the judges asked.

"Hermione Granger," I replied. I gave them my CD and they put it in the stereo. The lights dimmed and a spotlight was on me. The music started and I began my routine. It was simple but elegant with multiple vaults and flips. The potion kept my moves flawless and I finished the routine without breaking a sweat. The judges clapped their approval.

"It looks like you have won a spot on the team Ms. Granger," the coach said. I grinned.

"When do I learn the results?" I politely asked.

"Come back tomorrow, there will be a sheet at the receptionist desk," the manager replied. Satisfied with their answer I left and turned my phone back on. There were three messages. One was from Ron, the second Ginny, and the third LeAnn. All wanted to know how it went. I replied to each; to Ron I said that it went well and I thought that I would make it, to Ginny I said the same thing but also mentioned LeAnn, to LeAnn I said the same thing that I told Ron. I then left Oxford and went home to Ron.

~HQ~HG~HQ~HG~

The next day I went to the athletic building and walked up to the crowd of girls who were inspecting a tack board. LeAnn was there and from the look on her face I could tell that she made the team. Several other girls however weren't so lucky. They cried on each other's shoulders as the slowly left. I walked over and scanned the paper before finding my name. I squealed happily and LeAnn came up and gave me a congratulatory hug.

"We made it!" LeAnn squealed.

"I know!" I replied happily.

"Drinks on me!"

"Deal! First I got to go to registration and sign up for my classes."

"Fine by me," LeAnn shrugged. I went to registration where I applied for the required classes in order to gain a PhD in Psychology. We then left for a bar, but not before calling Ginny and asking her to join, which she obliged.

**AN: What do you think? I know there wasn't too much detail but I want to get past college and on to Arkham. The next chapter will be Hermione in Oxford and her slow transition from strict goody-two-shoes to a slight rebel that's not afraid to bend the rules. And is LeAnn as bright and cheery as she looks? Or is there a darker side that is eager to corrupt our Hermione? Read and find out! Don't forget to review!**


End file.
